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July 6, 2015 • Biblical Thinking

Answers for a Friend – Q&A about God’s Purpose and Presence Throughout Singleness and Marriage

Last updated on October 20th, 2016 at 06:11 pm

These are my answers to questions a friend had for me. I’m posting it all on my site because it’s convenient and lets me add links to the text easily. Plus the answers could help other people too.

M, these are great questions, and it’s good that you’re asking them and really seeking what the Bible says about the subject. Most people skip the Bible and look to cultural/social/autonomous answers instead the source of all good and wholesome wisdom. I’m answering these questions from almost the same exact position that you’re asking them from. I’m a single guy. I’m 24 in a month and sometimes my singleness feels a lot like a burden and I have often felt inadequate. But, these questions do have answers! And the answers are very comforting for the Christian. So here are some of my thoughts to your questions. I will also provide links to other articles/videos and Bible references. These aren’t perfect answers, but they are my best attempt.

What does God say about finding the right guy?

I’ll start by saying that God loves His children and desires to draw Himself to us. But this often times looks different than what we feel it should.

According to the latest research 84% of Christians will get married. But I liked how you asked about finding the ‘right guy‘, not just any guy. But there are many misconceptions about finding the right person. I’ll start by saying that there is no perfect person. There is no completly unselfish person. No one who loves like they ought to. But it’s obvious that there are people who make better spouses than maybe others. There are a few things that you could surely keep in mind when looking for a spouse.

  • You need to realize that you are a complete person with or without a spouse. You are made in the Image of a Great Father.
  • It’s worth trying to be the ‘right girl’ if you are looking for the ‘right guy’. It’s hard to expect a lot from another person, if you are not willing to put yourself to the same kinds of high standards.
  • It’s easy to over romanticize relationships and only think about the ‘good’ things they bring and not the bad.

Some people believe that God has The One picked out for us. Others don’t believe that, but think that there are Godly principals that you can hold to, that make a committed relationship with anyone achievable and joyous. I believe a bit of both; that God has someone for us, but that doesn’t make waiting/dating/marriage easy or perfect. The pitfalls of thinking that there is a soul mate can be many. It often makes us lazy in our search for someone. It often makes us feel entitled to the perfect partner while not working on ourselves to be a good partner for someone else. It often feels like God is holding out on us, and not giving us what He has promised us or what we think we deserve.

It doesn’t need to be this way though. I believe that if you have a right view of God and His plans for our lives, it draws out the best in us and our situations in life. Knowing that God has someone for us should propel us to working on ourselves and becoming more selfless. It should make us appreciative of the different stages in life that God gives each one of us. God is God whether we are single, married, divorced, widowed, or otherwise. He is still God and so when we trust Him, where ever we are, it sets us up for future trust and joy in God in our other stages of life.

Do you have to be living the perfect Christian life to find him?

No. There is no perfect Christian life, but the perfecting Christian life. No one is perfect, not even when they become a Christian. The Apostle Paul even lamented about his sins. But there are certain things that you should be striving for. You should be striving for an ever-deepening love for God. You should be striving for traits of selflessness (not just for a marriage, but also for all other relationships in life).

When you were saved, a process began with you that will never be done while you live on earth. This process is sanctification. This is you progressively conforming to the image of the SonYou were saved (justified), and sanctification is you coming to the likeness of that justification.

What I mean by that is this:

Upon Christ dying for God’s people he does 4 things that I want to highlight.

  1. Jesus takes the sins of God’s people (He takes our righteousness, which we have none.)
  2. We take His righteousness (you can think of it like this. We take His sins. He has none. That is righteousness. We take that.)
  3. Jesus takes the punishment for our sins.
  4. We get access back to the Father because when He looks at us, He sees Jesus’ Righteousness.

So we have this standing with God that we are righteous, though we do not live it out perfectly. Sanctification is the process where we (slowly it seems) that we look more and more like Jesus. Where we become more holy. Inevitably we will do less wrong and more good. So you could say we more and more flesh out in our lives the justification that was already granted to us.

Why do I mention any of this when considering this question? Because of the simple fact that there is no perfect Christian. You can’t be. And a future partner can’t be. Neither of you will be. So no you don’t have to be a perfect Christian in order for God to provide you with a spouse. But we should honestly be seeking the best version of ourselves to present to a spouse. Otherwise we are bound to be greedy and demanding with a partner and suck the joy our of a marriage.

Is it wrong that I’m tempted?

It’s not wrong. It’s actually normal. Even Jesus was tempted, but it’s what you do when you are presented with these temptations that is either bad or good.

Short Article – Temptation is Not a Sin

Short Audio Clip – Can we Permanently Conquer Temptation in this Life?

What happens if I fall for the temptation?

This will sound a little strange at first, but will comfort you the more you realize it to be true. You will be tempted and you will sin. You just will, and it really stinks. When we become Christians, we become increasingly more aware and disturbed by our sins. Some of the smallest sins become grounds for large amounts of guilt and shame. This is because we are a new creation. We have been transformed by the renewing our minds and we need to be continually.

It’s important to know that sin is always sin. Bad is always bad. Evil is always evil. But for the believer, we are able to trust God and cling to Christ’s righteousness. Do you remember what you read just a few paragraphs ago. God see’s Christ’s righteousness, and not ours. When we sin, we can automatically go to God and seek His love. We are forgiven. We are justified. But we have this insane opportunity to rest, to lean into God’s grace and mercy every time we fall short. Yes, we are heartbroken for our sins and yes we want to change. And we should look for ways to change and get better, but we never lose audience with God. He is our Father, and we can always run back to Him.

Will the choices we make in life change what God has intended for us?

This is one of the toughest questions I have ever asked myself. I don’t claim to have perfect knowledge of anything and my answers to this question are no different. In fact, I don’t think I can answer this question the way you would like it answered, but I will mention something that is more important.

God shows mercy and compassion to His people. You are never too far for God to bring you back into the fold. Always be humble enough to recognize your need for his mercy.

It seems that big life events change things forever. Someone gets in a car accident and then they can’t walk for the rest of their life. You move cross-country and the friendships you had in your old home wane, but you also make new ones. You choose a job at Corporation A and love your job but wonder if instead you should have choose Corporation B and it’s more manageable schedule. It’s hard to tell just how things that will turn out with the different situations and decisions we make every day. So it is with our sins and shortcomings.

If we sin and sidestep marriage and engage in a physical relationship with someone, does that effect our future relationships? Probably. If we meet Mr. or Mrs. Right but do something stupid and ruin the relationship, does that have implications for the future? Probably. I do know this. That God is with us everyday. Even though we fail Him, he is steadfast. We may make a mess out of a situation. We may make really bad decisions. Even go totally the wrong way that we know we should. But I know that God gives us a future. It’s hard to tell what plans God has for us, but no matter what we are called to trust God. To love God.

I’m guessing that this questions is focused towards relationships and you probably meant something like: Will the bad choices, I have made/might make, will they effect what God has intended for me?

And that’s hard to answer outside of say that no matter what happens, God is there. No, we shouldn’t sin just because we know the God has our backs. We should always live for God and keep Him in our minds. He is our prize and our joy, but He is merciful when we do stumble. And we should rest assured in that fact.

What are your thoughts?